Our memory is a tricky thing. Hindsight is 20/20 but thankfully the brain has a way of diminishing certain memories over the years. There are times that I hear a song or smell something that takes me back. Back to where I never want to be ever again.
Although I can honestly say that I would do it all again because all my history brought me to where I am, I'd do anything over to be where I am now. And be who I am. I like me.
Me then was smothered and the only time I spoke up was in my mind. Me then didn't know how to step out and break bonds that I didn't understand. Me then wasn't a horrible person in a horrible place, it just wasn't for me. I couldn't breathe.
One day, I took a step. That step turned into another step that quickly became a full blown run. That run I took, I never once looked back. I dropped it all and moved on. I don't look back now. Mainly it was a frame of mind that never fit me. I was constantly struggling against what I should be and should do.
Tonight I was washing my dishes and a song came on the radio. A song I haven't heard in years. You see music has a very strong hold on me. Instantly I was back. Not in that tight, cramped life that I was living before. I was instantly sitting in the memory of where I landed when I ran.
I was miles and miles away with only one familiar family face but it was enough. The freedom and the very essence of the air around me was sweet, oh so sweet. That song brought me right back to those first few months where I learned to be me, the me that I needed to be.
The outspoken, in your face, take no prisoners.......me.
I may have been standing in my dim kitchen washing dishes in the near dark but in my head I was sitting on a sofa in a small livingroom, a dog curled at my feet, a cig in one hand and a wine cooler in the other hand. It was dark, the windows were open to let in a big ole breeze. I remember I was wearing sweat pants and a tank top with my hair pinned up and no makeup. It was pitch black and the only light was the neon glow of the radio station numbers on the dial of the stereo. The stereo that was blaring full blast. It was so loud, I couldn't even think other than the lyrics of the song. Cause that's how I roll.
In my heart I was waiting for someone to say something about it but it never came. I took several deep breaths and realized that I was getting there. I was gonna be okay, I was gonna be me. I sat there for hours, rolling through song after song. It was one of the best nights of my life.
That night might seem small or silly in a way, but for me it was the beginning of my taking control of my life.
Damn I'm enjoying the ride.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
