Today I did something that I've never ever volunteered to do: I faced a fear. And I made it through, crying, but I made it through.
The one thing that I really truly am, is
claustrophobic. I hate small spaces. I am fine in elevators, I'm fine in walkout closets as long as the door is open. I'm even dealing with the tiny rv bathroom (door open, sorry if that is TMI but tough).
Today was my very own personal hell.
During our walk this afternoon with Murphy, we realized that he was not making PE possible so we came to put him back inside when it happened.
The bottom lock, the deadbolt on our rv door, the tumbler went out. We were stuck. Long story short, couldn't reach Dave, locksmith quote was way too expensive and would have taken too long to get here.
So I went to a local rv place, bought a new lock, then dug out the mallet, the drill/screwdriver, the long screwdriver and cooking oil....determined to replace the lock once and for all.
Princess went through the window we pried open above the sink (thank god they give us each a big ole picnic table) and then gathered up my purse and cell which allowed us to call said locksmith and to purchase the new lock. But then she went in again (brave amazing kid) to help me. I couldn't ever possibily fit through that window. But thanks to the recent 30 lbs I've lost, I was able to go through the bedroom window after she opened it.
My problem was not going through the window.
It was not the process that followed:
I got the old faceplate off the old lock. Gagging at the dirt and nasty gunk underneath.
Finally I saw daylight......
This was the worst part, getting the deadbolt out required that I coat it all with cooking oil spray, then mallet the thing as far out as I could without destroying the frame.....then....then...oh lord
I had to climb back out the window and pry it loose from the outside. But I had to go out the window.........I had a panic attack. I cried. But my 11 year old refused to give me privacy for my little attack. She stood outside that window on that picnic table and looking through coached me....
"momma, you're doing so good, don't cry........you can do this...." My kid talked me off the ledge, or in this case out the tiny arse window from where I was locked inside this rv. Me not do so good with the locked in part.
But I finally got the old piece out! Thank you LORD! With alot of biting back curse words and brute force (which I didn't realize I had), but motivation comes in many forms....me being stuck inside locked rv was a large large motivation!
Ohhhh daylight.......this is where the brute force, cooking oil spray and mallet came in handy.
But I did eventually get the new piece in place on the inside......
And the outside piece was put in via flashlight as the sun set on us.......thanks Princess for holding it still.
And the window that my happy arse went through.......well above you see Princess working the screen back into place. Did I mention I don't do well with tight spaces?
Thanks to Duchess for hanging out with Murphy in the ac-ed car with the music blaring, and to Princess for being my hero and helping mommy be brave. And to Mr. Abbie for selling me a new lock which was dirt cheap....and to the lock company for not putting any directions in the box with said new lock....and to my camera for letting me document each screw that came out and where it was suppose to go which allowed me to actually put the damn lock thingy back in place.
I still can't believe I made it back out that damn window.
But as of today, I can proudly say....although I'm not mechanically inclined what so ever, I managed to fix my own problem!!!
2:38 PM
Hope4Grace
it's that time of year that I absolutely hate: and no it's not my annual girlie visit....it's the start of my exercise rebirth. Oh holy hell......
So I'm putting together a new play list: Here we go......
5:17 PM
Hope4Grace
It's the little moments that make this so fufilling.......like:
-the call from my former boss today checking on us and reminding me how glad I am to be out of that drama
-my girls telling Dave that they don't miss regular school cause mom is way more fun
-my girls asking for more school time during the day
-our Sonic runs every morning for drinks, it's a $4 deal, every day but it's our morning routine
-figuring out all the little details to make my RV work right
-having my furball snuggle up to me on Dave's pillow when Dave leaves for work
-having Dave snuggle up to me every night!
-conquering cooking in a 3 cubic foot area
-having my friends call me way more often cause they miss me and know I'm home during the day
-hearing from my mom and dad everyday
-my ipod which allows me to jam to inappropriate music while my kids watch disney movies during dinner prep time
-taking my oldest to a book store so she can pick out a book report book and she chose a classic!
-having Dave take us to dinner with a coworker of his and proudly introducing his family
-having Dave take us to his church and proudly introducing us as his family
These are just some moments in the past few days that warm my heart!
5:18 PM
Hope4Grace
Well we are busy beavers around here. Trying to beat the old ladies to the laundry and showers, which I'm not actually doing too hot managing that one. Getting all my Texas stuff updated and renewed, fun times at the DMV peeps, people watching is hy-sterical! Plus school and cooking in a 3 ft cubic space. Dinners are not my usual fares, no.....I only miss my cooking space and bathtub.....and my momma......
But the weather was gorgeous today and I must say man oh man...I likey this slightly cool breeze down here.......no snow in sight!
7:58 PM
Hope4Grace
So in the middle of spelling today, I got a text to come outside the rec center, where Dave was waiting. He'd actually rained out. So between spelling and math, he took us on a fieldtrip. The girls got to shoot the new 22 rifle they got and then to also shoot a very old 22 pistol of Dave's grandpa's. Then momma got to shoot. We had a grand ole time.
Princess is a righty but left eye dominant and before today couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. Dave started her shooting leftie today like Duchess and let's just say if we're in a gunfight, she's totally my partner!
Sharp shooter!
9:48 PM
Hope4Grace
In the interest of full disclosure and my goal of keeping it real around here, I have to do a breakdown of my evening, well just the highlights.
My blessed husband came home from work and told us to get dressed. Uncle Jon, who is a saint, was taking my kids to dinner and a movie while Dave was taking me out for some mommy time.
We had a great dinner, I had an appletini and dessert. FULL belly was me. Then we had some parent time. Enough said.
My kids however had a full and fun night. Uncle Jon has completely bumped me out of the cool zone. I can no longer hope to be cool. They had Taco Bell, went bungee jumping in a mall (which flabbers my gast cause hello, my kids? never could I have coaxed them into that), a movie and then games at Chuckie Cheese.
We sat here for an hour waiting for them to finally come home.....mom and dad actually came in before curfew, that was a new one.
So while we were sitting around waiting for our kids the conversation went kinda like this:
(please remember we've been together for over 13 years)
Me: What is that smell?
Dave: What smell?
Me: Is your work boots smelling like that?
Dave: Possible
Me: Well it's okay, cause I'm gassy
Dave: Can't be worse than those boots
Me: But I had the fish
Dave: I stand corrected
We're just as bad as old people in matching rocking chairs on the front porch of our old homestead.......
But we still got the heat!!!!
8:10 AM
Hope4Grace
Last night I didn't get my me time. Turns out I didn't need it. After a family dinner, we loaded up and headed with little Murphy to a pet store to book him an appointment to get purty and buy him some dogfood. Instead of doing dishes, we just had family time. It was great. We started our new book, we laughed, we joked, it was just what the mommy needed. Today is all about errands, then school this afternoon. Normally we'll take Friday's off school but since we just got started I figured we'd strike while the iron is hot. hugs and kisses!!!!
5:02 PM
Hope4Grace
Okay I hit my limit inside this place today. I'm restless. I am cooking a big ole dinner and then after dishes are done, I'm heading out to hit the treadmill and get rid of some of this excess. Cause it's killing me. I'm ipod-ing it while the kids watch a disney movie. Bless our hearts, momma is gonna need some momma time tonight.
Otherwise we got a good start on school today. Duchess flew through her language arts, which is just a review before we branch into new things. So proud of her reading skills. She was a little more hesitant to just do reading though....tomorrow I'm heading to the library to get her some skill level books. Tomorrow we might try to do school at the library in the morning, should be empty and plenty of tables. Princess loves the science but has trouble with some of the bigger words. Once I help her figure them out, she can tell me exactly what they mean so her comprehension is awesome, just need to get the reading on level.
Tonight we start 10000 leagues under the sea. It's our new book for the "momma reading to them each night" program. Everything I put my hands on says they will become better readers if I read TO THEM, not only have them read to me during schooling and such but they need to hear me read. This will be fun, I love this book.
So in the rain storm, I managed to wash all of our dirty clothes and my bedding. Now I can't find room to put it all away, sugar-honey-iced-tea.
But you know what, I'm looking out my window watching the American and Texas flags whip around like crazy in the sunset, rainy day. Life is good and I'm blessed.
10:31 AM
Hope4Grace
It is toxic and it is so not good for anyone involved. It will implode and I'm just praying for my friends still involved. Be strong guys! I'm praying for you!
9:05 AM
Hope4Grace
Oh boy are my country roots showing, but I seriously heart a truck stop. Any big truck stop. If we're driving, I beg Dave to pull over. I love the lights, the rigs, the shiny clean bathrooms, the nifty little "life on the road" gadgets. And the food, really do I have to get into the merits of the food? Flying J and Petro are my favorites. The little diners inside are like a magic bandaid.
So can you even begin to imagine how many times I've driven right down the road to the big ole shiny truck stop?
I get change for laundry there (yep, we be Rv-er's with no w/d in our trailer), I get fountain drinks there when I need a pick me up, I eat there with the kids when we don't feel like cooking, I get diesel there for his truck, I get gas there for my car, I get batteries for the game controllers there, I still get carded there for my cigs.
The ladies inside know me and the kids by name.............and they always stop and want to know what in the world we've done today, cause "you guys are just so busy!".
How could you NOT love a big ole shiny truckstop?
Now excuse me, but I need diesel, a fountain drink and a snack before I start my errands, so I'm heading...........well you get the idea.
8:55 PM
Hope4Grace
Something occurred to me today.
I am unrated, unleased and damn it feels good.
Utah equaled so many things for me. I can count the good things on one hand:
1. My mom and photo-elusive step daddy: still there with my mom's job
2. Friends: Cec, my Canadian friend, who likes me just the way I am....Mary, my former work friend, who has become my friend period as well as my Jimmy Cricket (cause I need that extra voice of conscious sometimes peeps, I get into ALOT of trouble on my own) and my mentor in life and some people who aren't really close friends but will hold a place in my heart. Not being mean but frankly I keep a friend card that is really really slim. Friends have to be people who touch my life and are worth the effort of keeping in touch. That is hard part and I'm never shy about being honest with someone about my lack of need for friends, cause I got me some homegirls that will love me to the very end and beyond so my card is pretty full. (I'm kinda of shit)
3. ?
4. ?
5. ?
Hmmmmm, funny but I couldn't get past #2. But the things I've left behind with my departure from Utah? Well let's hit the high notes: I'm me again.
I've worked since I was 16, full time (not counting taking a few months off with each of my babies after having them). While I had a great job (in money sense) it drained me and left me doubting everything about myself. I stifled the essence of who I was to please them. And in the end, it still ended up not working. I hate myself that I allowed that to occur. I actually let someone's (plural) opinion change the person I was when I was there. I toned it down, I bit my lip and I regret that very much. So after three years in a place where I was the big ole square peg in a world of smoozy, round pegs I can honestly say this: next time I'm gonna be the hammer in this little game.
I'm back peeps. For the first time since my surgery I feel normal. Which for me is unrated, over the top, mouthy, a whole lotta redneck-ish and a little bit weird. I got my stride back. I walk like I own this place, cause I do. I'm rocking my pearls with my boots, jeans and flannel shirts or hoodies with my big ole Texas curly hair and frankly I feel younger than I have in years.
My work clothes? Packed away in storage. My heels? Packed away in storage. The one pair I brought to Texas for date nights? Camo strappy 4 inch heels, cause that is hot peeps.
Being very space challenged, I brought a small wardrobe with me. Two pairs of boots and a pair of camo fmh (anyone know what they stands for? evil laugh), jeans, hoodies, couple flannel shirts and a lot of cami shirts to wear underneath. And know what? I haven't been this comfortable in years.
I spend my days with my girls. They amaze me. I can't believe how amazing they are.
Life is much simpler.
Best of all, since getting settled in here this past week, actually since being laid off in December...my health is improving by leaps and bounds. I can actually sleep at night. My blood pressure is level and normal steadily. My stomach is better than it's been in years, although I'm still super careful with my diet. I'm holding at 9 lbs more than my wedding weight.
God is good. Because I couldn't have planned this, I couldn't have forced this and believe me I tried for a year to make it happen. Walk on faith peeps, because he will show his glory and he will take control if you let him.
Thankful for my blessings.........from Texas
H4G
3:53 PM
Hope4Grace
I am, really. Today I managed to somewhat organize this trailer to make things fit for now. I ripped the kids tiny little broken blinds down out of their bunks and put up some good old tinfoil, redneck much? But now we don't have to worry about people seeing in or worse them waking up from the noise of kicking the blinds and ripping them worse. I also started four loads of laundry, made it to change the oil in Dave's truck and got it warshed (misspelt but keeping it). Picked up new shampoo, cause after getting my new hairdo, I can finally warsh it tonight (I like warsh alot better, goes better with Rv living than wash does, snicker). Now I'm making ziti for dinner and we bathed the dog. Books come in Wednesday so we're trying to get everything we can done so we can get our learning on. Excited about that! Still have a million things to do today but I'm getting there!!!
Hugs and kisses, now I gotta go check my warsh!
H4G
10:20 AM
Hope4Grace
Memory lane is a long winding road. I don't go home often. I worked so hard to leave that little town behind a long time ago, yet it seems that that laidback, slow little town still holds alot of appeal. I'd never move home but I've realized that something similiar is what I'm looking for, to raise my kids. But visiting is great, especially when it's been 5 years since I've been back home. I got to see my family and meet my newest little cousin. My kids got to take the brief trip down my memory lane, like they did Dave's in Tulsa. It was a great trip.
Best of all, being back with my family. I got to hold Dave's hand while walking the areas that made up my childhood. My old house is literally falling apart, abandoned and so very sad. But that is okay, time moves on. My old high school looks tired and worn out. Not nearly as fun and lively as when I was part of a graduating class of 75 people. You can't really go home and frankly that is okay with me. But it was great to see my family. Who dropped everything for our last minute visit and not only had a big ole cooking but made sure to cook something I could eat.
There really is nothing like Louisiana; the moss hanging from the trees, the homes spread out on large lots with big ole trees, doors left unlocked while people are at church. It really has a certain appeal. I love being from the sticks. But those sticks just aren't for me. One day we'll settled in some other sticks, somewhere else.
But for now, we're mobile. And I have a trailer to finally get organized. Rv living with pics coming soon. (As soon as I find a place for everything, school starts officially on Wednesday so I have to get busy!)
7:36 AM
Hope4Grace
I'm sitting in a few small town hotel with very limited wifi so you don't get pics yet. But instead of dealing with the freezing cold weekend and all that it entails, we decided last minute yesterday to make the drive to my hometown to see all my family. We rolled in last night for a great family meal and just sat around and talked. It was great. I will have plenty of pics to update ya. This morning I'm driving my babies around showing them where I went to school and had my first job and etc. Memory lane is short though as we leave this afternoon heading back to home sweet rv.
9:40 AM
Hope4Grace
Okay so by the time we got back home, our pipes were unfrozen and we had water again. But we be prepared for freezing weather now. Damnit, Texas is not suppose to be this freaking cold.
Dave met us after work at walmart where we picked up everything we needed which was an interesting note for my day. He gets off early on Fridays, so around 3:15 we were crusing the walmart close to his work when bam the place flooded with guys who just like Dave wore the creamy yellow overall jackets and cold weather fire retardant gear that screams "we work in oil and gas". However, it was obvious which of those guys belong to me, besides being quite larger through the shoulders than most of them, he walks like he's taking the field for battle. He's always had this certain walk, it says clearly "get out of my way", it cracks me up to see men automatically move out of his way. He never has to weave through a crowd. So he was easy to pick out.
After a quick dinner, we got movies and came home to crash. I got to lay in bed and read my book, it was heaven!!!!
Now today we have to clean up and organize our trailer, then we have to head into Houston to the Natural Science museum, if and only if, we can find Murphy immunizations in this mess. Cause he needs them for the puppy spa next to the museum, too cold to leave him home. If not that, we'll find something close by and do that one next weekend.
But for the record, I woke up with five people in my bed. The kids and Murphy joined us for tickle fest and frankly, the sound of happy screams and barking as we all just have time together makes it all worth while.
Happy go camper here in Texas,
H4G
Now to go find room in this itty bitty rv for everything to be put out of sight. It's killing me.
8:48 AM
Hope4Grace
Shit, he forgot to wrap the pipes or leave them dripping....no the water lines have froze. I'm leaving this place in protest. When he gets off work, he can find us at the mall where we'll be watching movies today. No school kids, mommy is calling a bad weather day!
7:48 PM
Hope4Grace
I sit here waiting on my school board site to load and I am looking across the tiny little table where Dave is sitting writing his papers too. It's been so long since we've been students together. Dueling laptops and school books yet it's the bouncing back and forth of ideas in our various subject: leadership and principles of management for me, biology and chemistry for him....not sure what he was thinking when he scheduled those two for the same semester, lol. I missed this camaraderie so much. It's totally worth all the challenges of our new house **cough, RV, cough**.
It's the differences in two people who are more alike than most couples we know too that hit home. We both love school, we both exceed no matter the cost but our study habits are so very different. Venus loves to listen to punk rock and old school ACDC blaring in her ears or she can't concentrate. Mars has to have it completely quiet and he types so dang loud as he literally pounds his ideas into the keyboard.
Yet here we sit, together.
