R We Normal?

So there are often times I revel in my family. We're hysterical, we're faith led, and we're oh so real. However, I often wonder if other families are as "real" as we are....or if perhaps we have gone off the deep end.

Some thoughts on our "normal"

- while preparing for church, Dave tells me a blonde joke about a poot (we don't say the f word) and a dog, Scooter....we all laugh hysterically....cause gas is funny in our house

- we are currently locked in a heated family debate over the correct pronounciation of the words "lips" in polish....so we are watching Veggie Tales right now so Dave and I will quit arguing over it

- speaking of Veggie Tales, we have a very disturbing habit....It's hard to confess so please don't judge us, I'm deathly serious....if it gets too quiet (which rarely happens but occassionally) one of us will break out the first part of Barbara Manatee with the rest breaking in to sing the repeat lines. Dave always finishes it with the deep voice line. People usually stare if we're in a restaurant

- my oldest burps like a man and will scare the crap out of you when she releases a monster while my youngest will call you out (and sometimes complete strangers) if she smells something and thinks you pooted. She thinks everyone should announce it with a loud "Excuse me" like she does, regardless of where you are

- my kids are deathly afraid of hot boxing: thanks Dave

- my oldest announced today that she wanted to shave her legs, my youngest covers her face and moans "oh you tween" and my husband tried to offer her money to delay the process. We managed to change the subject by talking about his toe hair.

- in Walmart after church we were trying to get me a knee brace for my workouts and I had one leg propped up on the lower shelf, one hand braced on Dave's back and my jeans pulled up as far as I could which means right above my knee. On an aisle that also sells everything old people need to live, Dave gets frustrated trying to adjust one of the options on me and announces loudly to just "pull your pants down" to which my kid says "mom are you wearing underware today"...Dave got all red and backpedalled that he meant to just lower my pants leg and he'd put it on over my jeans. The old people didn't look convinced but one man moved closer as if interested...hmmmm

Just some things that have happened today, before 2:52 pm on a Sunday afternoon....so r we normal or is everyone else really boring?

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Horrifying Moment #12 for this Week

I'm not sure about you but I have the disturbing tendancy to embarrass myself. Alot. So twice today I've managed to stick my foot right into my mouth. I have no shame, but at least I can laugh at myself.

First off came during work, when a friend sent me this. I had to take it, even though I generally don't take the time to complete quizes. But I really needed to know what my biggest sin problem was. Turns out, it's "Wrath" that will be my downfall........damn, should have known that. Except after taking it, I turned to my cubbie mates (both upstanding young Mormon men) and proceeded to ask them if they thought I was capable of pure wrath. There wasn't even a pause in their breathing before they both yelled yes. Well fine, see if I bake you anymore cookies. Huh....then I took the next quiz, well because I could.......Dante's Inferno, okay don't take that quiz, it'll just piss you off, lol. But it was the last quiz, Personality Disorder that sealed my fate. Turns out I'm -------- wait for it ---------- Obsessive Compulsive, like I really needed a test to tell me this. But I was really hoping for more insight than that. So in my musing, I announced to the room, "Great, I'm a tight arse control freak with a jonesing for pure evil retribution. "

You know it's very rude when noone disagrees with you and instead all get up and leave the room. I just make people uncomfortable.........dang. Guess I'll be making them cookies next week.

Insert big dramatic sigh here........

But the cherry on top came earlier tonight. I was anxiously awaiting word from our banker to find out what our new house appraised at..........I was dying to know. I only called him ONCE today, do you have any idea of the amount of control that took (read above, I'm OCD). So I took the phone and decided to meditate when I got home from work.

I.E. I took a bath.

So I'm relaxed and enjoying the tub full of bubbles, ignoring The Man when he came in to take a peek, the perv and sat reading my book and admiring my new glitter toe nails. With the phone next to my head of course.

When that farker rang, I about downed.

I quickly picked up and did the whole, uh-huh, uh-huh and OMG seriously, awesome.......thing.

Then it got really quiet on the other end of the phone.....he then said.....

"Um did I catch you at a bad time?"

Oh sh*t, I'm sloshing water around and gesturing with my hands and making alot of water noises.

"Oh no, I'm just washing dishes. Perfect timing........"

Then my kid burst in the room to announce, "Mom did you just poot in the tub, I heard it downstairs!!!!!!?"

Arghhhhhhhhhhh, great, the sound of my heels moving along the bottom of the tub makes the same echo noise as passing gas in the tub, Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat.

Opps, dropped that darn call..............so do you think its possible to avoid meeting up with said banker at the closing table this coming week?

Oh Lord, please tell me that I can send a proxy to the closing table..............

Sorry for the delicate subject, but hey we keep it real laid back over here.......

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I guess you could call it hiking....

So about 20 minutes from the house there is this mountain.... I love this mountain.... makes me feel like one of the Walton's except I wear makeup and high heels....... which would make the slutty Walton cousin...... something to think about..... anyway... so we girls spent Sunday on the mountain, not Walton mountain, our mountain....
The views are killer, I spend alot of time taking nature shots that I swear I'll frame in my house and never do. I'm quite lazy that way. But I can't resist my girls....

So there was snow in the mountains, snow from our very first snow of the season, still up there...hiding...... along with a few bear tracks......moving along.....

We had lunch, and Princess my little science camper brought some light reading on the various stages of electricity to entertain us...... I love that little nerd

We got out and hiked some. The kids sat on every large rock there was, there were alot so I just stopped taking pictures of it....

Lunch was yummy, well thought out except we only brought Dr. Pepper so dang it those little monkeys were sucking it down faster than I could pull it out of the cooler....there were alot of burbs on the ride home..... oh and the kids' too......

I didn't dress up for the day but I did wear my glasses so I could actually SEE where I was heading this time.....

Again, lunch was very informal, and we didn't invite the bears......

I love this kid, such personality and sass.....this was the smile I got as she walked up to me, paused briefly looked up and said, " I pooted" and kept going......

Those gassy little suckers are very dear to me.........

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One word is all it takes

There is one word in my four year olds vocab that sends me screaming for my closet. I want to curl up somewhere dark and suck my thumb...

Poopstain

Why is everything about bodily functions this week?

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Comes Crashing Down...

Trying to raise two little ladies is a feat not unlike taking siege to a castle. They resist "proper" and "dignity" at every turn. All my friends/family assure me that this is normal. Okay, I can live with that as long as they aren't gum smacking, bra showing, cigarette dangling from lips, truck stop waitresses when they reach puberty. However, are my two precious little girls the only ones in the world that are fascinated by bodily functions? Delicately speaking, any gas in this house stops them flat and becomes a giggle fest of high volume (heaven forbid we're in public!). Princess had this problem recently in class, Duchess is known for clearing a room but together they are a force to be reckoned with.

Last night The Man was attempted to entertain the children by doing his pushups while letting them sit upon his back (you can see where we are going already huh?). This is a hugely popular thing at my house. So on his back they both go. Looking like little precious angels, in their pjs, all sweetly talking and having fun daddy time. This goes well for the first 5, then....

The Man turns strangely red in mid-push-up, turns to look up at the angels clinging to his back and demands "What's that smell?"

The tower came crashing down in a wave of hysterical laughter and green toxic fumes.

Poor guy. (Sorry about the blurry picture, it happened quite fast....)

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Halloween, Gas and More

The Princess got into the car after school today with grave news, she farted in front of her class. I immediately had to bite my tongue but the Duchess laughed till she couldn't breath. I tried deep breathing but was still struggling to hold my laughter in (yep, bad mom) when she then announced in a voice filled with tears that when everyone started laughing and she was stomping back to her desk, she did it again. I burst. What kind of parent responds to her crying child by laughing? Me. I suck. To cover my tracks, I immediately lied and said that it had happened to me too. I then had to further lie by giving a story when she hopefully asked all about it. She assured me that she was embarrassed but that she didn't cry. I'm so proud. My amazing kid then told everyone who was laughing that gas is very nature and that if they didn't fart too then they would explode. Science is definately in her future! The teacher tried to calm things down but she will forever be known as the kid that farted in front of her class, but she didn't cry. I love this kid.

Halloween was great. We ate and ran. I brought along the trusty red wagon filled with coats and a blanket to warm everyone up as we went but they left me in the dust. Fifteen minutes into it, the novelty wore off and Duchess was covered up to the top of her tiara with a blanket. She was just hollar for her sister to bring her back a treat. It was very cold here, unusual for this time of year so after four streets we hauled our loot back home. Just to have the doorbell ring a million times. I am the lady that forgot to buy candy. So we ignored it, and ignored it and ignored it. Finally it stopped. The Man returns Saturday and the girls have upgraded him from Denny's to Red Lobster, in their costumes. He is one lucky man.

Work is great, I love having a job where I have alot of freedom to do my own thing (like homework and email my girlfriends) but I have got to find some extra stuff to do. The boss went offsite all afternoon (I think he went shopping) and I woke up around 2 with the imprint of my mousepad on my forehead, in an office of fifty something cubicles you would think someone would notice the drooling and snoring (I've been told that I occassionally snore) but no, no one noticed. I think that is a good thing. I need more productive hobbies, maybe I should start a home business to run out of my cubicle?

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