Pen Pals, 2013 Style

Kinda excited today. As a family, we adopted a deployed soilder. One card and one carepackage a month. People if you have a heart and can afford this, please please please go to Soilders Angels and help out. Military suicides are at a all time high. They need the support and love of people back home. You don't have to get overly familiar or even personal with these people.

We have decided to make it fun for all of us. We are doing monthly themed boxes and then funny little thank you cards. Our first box is a "fishing" theme.

Gummy worms, gummy night crawlers, swedish fish candy, goldfish crackers, tuna packets, salmon packets, canned anchoives, a magazine, spongebob bandaids for a smile and some shark fruit snacks.

We are gonna write up an intro letter as a fam after dinner and get that bad boy off in the mail.

Adopt a soilder today peeps.

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Recital day

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Cleanse

So I decided to jump start my spring and do a cleanse. Dave and I are both looking to drop some weight and frankly I'm scared to freaking death to even try to shove my fat ass into my swimsuit at this point. Shit just got real.

It's day three of my cleanse. Our cleanse. Firstly, can I just note that our approach to this cleanse really highlights our personality. Dave approaches the cleanse casually. He may be a couple hours late on his supplement or forget to drink his fiber drink in the morning so he bangs it before bed. I have my little booklet and check everything off. Every bottle of water I drink, check! Every snack, I note what I ate, check. I take my drink exactly when I'm suppose to. I literally carry around my checklist.

Now let's really dig into this cleanse:

I spent an hour and a half walking around the grocery store looking for food options. SON OF A BITCH every single thing I love to eat is off limits. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

This cleanse is a 3 week thing where you eat clean and take these supplements and fiber drinks at certain points. The key is eat clean and work some exercise in. Dave and I have managed to take a really long walk each night but I still gotta get some other exercise in there. Tomorrow will begin back with my yoga and attempting the C25k again. Bastard program from HELL.

So yeah, we have specific portion sizes. We are essentially retraining ourselves to eat the right portions and learn moderation. Laugh or scoff if you will. Life is a journey. Eat me.

For example: each meal for me contains 4 oz portion of protein, 1/3 cup complex carb, and 1 cup veggies or 2 cups salad. For the 10 day cleanse portion of this I am nixing fried, bread, and all the other bs that we should pepper our diet with but we tend to base our meal choices on. I'm eatting fruit for every snack. So I am essentially eatting 5 times a day.

So let's get real. The first day, I was fucking starving and fell upon my food like it was withheld from me for a week. As it became time for a snack or a meal, I got really grouchy too. It's really a training thing. I'm so used to overeatting. We all are! Portion control is necessary peeps. However, my big ass tummy was seriously communicating to me.... my fav: "Bitch, I'm starving.........feed me damnit! Now before I eat this spleen. Yes, Ima eat the spleen!"

However on day three and I can say, I'm better. Not starving. However, at 2am this morning I seriously spent longer in the bathroom than any one person should have. Hello cleanse. You bastard. Mental note: buy more matches.

To keep shit real: Dave is also having issues with the portion control. For example, for lunch yesterday I prepared tuna with low sugar, low fat best foods mayo and some pickles and onions (no relish, too high in sugar content). We had a complete plate of sliced carrots, raddishes, and brocolli crowns washed and raw with some salad dressing dip. This salad dressing is from my local store, it is seriously ZERO CALORIE salad dressing. It's not bad. I had the 1000 Island flavor. Yum. Then we had some pears too. So we weighed our paper plate then added the tuna to measure our serving. Dave got 6 oz and I got 4 oz.

Because I'm an amazing mom, my kids had yummy cheesy ham sandwiches, fruit and coleslaw. We all sat down to eat lunch together and this was Dave's grace: "Lord thank you so much for this plate of raw veggies and my 6 oz of tuna" ..... sigh.

Dinner last night was grilled chicken, I made a mix of zucchini, onions, and mushrooms and did a quick saute on them with a tiny dab of olive oil then we also had 1/3 cup pinto beans. Snacks were bananas and a scoop of peanut butter.

So another key part is the water. Duh. I'm suppose to drink half my body weight in ounces of water. Jesus I hate water. So yeah I cheated. I bought a bunch of those water additives, no calorie, no sugar but they make my bottled water taste like grape, or peach bilinni..... am I the only person who has to make their water taste like a boozy drink before they can chug it?

Okay, excuse me.... bathroom time.

Go cleanse. Go.

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Why I dont sleep well.....

They have taken over my king sized bed. Dayumit

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No Words -----

We had a huge blizzard here last Sunday and early Monday morning. It was nasty and we even stayed home from church Sunday to avoid being out in it. Happy April Bitches! Montana at its finest. Monday morning, I woke to a call from the school... only the town kids were expected at school so I roused my babies and worked to get them ready. Dave waited until the sun was up before heading into work, to give the plows time to clear the highway. He has a 51 miles commute one way. Yeah, can you say oil boom area?

I spent ten years as a military wife. I made it through four deployments and three of those were war time. Only a military wife can really understand the feeling that comes when the phone rings a certain way and a chill goes up your spine and your heart speeds up. For no reason, there is no special ring, it's not a crazy time of the night......... you just know. There really are no words to describe that feeling. You get light headed and need to puke.

At 7:32 while gathering my kids to drive them to school, my phone rang. He'd been gone 31 minutes. It was him and I heard nothing, then the call dropped. I tried to call him back, nothing. It rang another three times and dropped before I could finally hear him: "police truck mile 18" that is it. Then the call dropped.  I smiled at the girls and loaded them into the truck, dropped them at school like nothing was wrong and instantly headed for mile marker 18. It took me almost 40 minutes to make 18 miles in the ice and snow but I finally got there in 4x4.

I literally couldn't breathe as it all came into view. The ambulance, the cop cars, the firetrucks, the barriers set up to block traffic and there in the middle of a snowbank sitting on it's side with two wheels in the air, my husbands truck. There was debris everywhere and people everywhere. I couldn't tell you how I stopped the truck and started running (in houseshoes no less) through the snowbank toward the truck and the people when Dave peeled off from the pack running my way. He grabbed me and kept saying, I'm okay, Don't cry. I"m okay, Don't cry. Still couldn't breathe.

He literally had no scratch on him. Not one.

He was driving about 40 mph in a 70 mph slowly working his way into work. Coming in the other direction was a snowplow and the driver saw Dave's truck hit some ice and spin then flip. There is no phone signal on that stretch of highway so he used his CB to call in help. GOD IS GOOD people.

He said it happened fast and that he just prayed loudly. When it came to rest, he was hanging by his seatbelt. The airbags did not deploy. His doors were crunched shut, the windows frozen but the windshield had cracked so he used his steel toed boots to kick his way out of the cab. By the time he got out, the plow driver got to him.

Dave has not one scratch anywhere. He said that when the truck flipped it literally went gently and he didn't hit his head or anything. Said it felt like God's hand just cushioned the blow.

It's taken a few days before I could type this without a panic attack, sorry I didn't share earlier. I am not dealing with this well. I literally couldn't be out his sight all Monday. I just can't imagine my life without and I'm so very very thankful that God was by his side.

They totalled his truck, it's bad. But you know what, we are so blessed by far that who cares. We will get him another truck. We decided to take our time and get the right truck again, just in case....

Wear your seatbelt and have faith!

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Biased MF-er

I'm pretty sure that at some point this semester I've bitched on here about my two professors this time around. 1. I've had his class before, he was my ethics professor for several classes and I have him again for my collective bargaining class and 2. She's a freaking liberal garden implement of a teacher who is teaching my implementing strategy class.

The first day we obviously intro ourselves. 1.'s response to me: (sigh) Of course, (insert my name)... welcome back. Well that doesn't sound too welcoming lol. So we go round and round me and him. Once he wrote on a paper: great paper, you've manage to spend seven pages rebuking everything I said in lecture on this subject.... interesting effort. I get the feeling he hates me, lol.

#2's nickname was the pickle (cause it's rude to call someone the c-word in front of your kids, so we codename around here). She drives me INSANE. Yes, it's a masters level class but seriously her habit of adding last minute BIGASS assignments piss me off. Some of us students have a life, well not me but somebody else might. Anyway, she had a huge turnaround two weeks ago when she fell in love with a powerpoint I did. Ummm it was nothing special, really. Swear. Unlike Dave, I don't put animated gifs in mine (his ass got an A for that by the way). So she's been super supportive and my grades are rocking in that class.

But tonight I was scrolling through my most recent test from #1 and one of the questions was: "after the discussion and legal analysis of arbitration cases this week, do you feel you would be a good arbitrator" the professor wrote in "I do not believe you would make a good arbitrator. You are very opinionated and seem way more suited for a negotiator position. Nothing personal" Ummmm.... thank you. Seriously, who wants to be someone that can be neutral on ANY subject? Not moi....

I'll take that compliment #2.

Who does #2 work for?

BAHAHAHA, everything is better with an Austin Powers quote huh?

Off to be annoying to professors alike.

Seriously though, what am I gonna do when I graduate in a few weeks? I'm gonna miss school dude. But seriously I don't see a PHD in my future. Good grief.

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zumba is the devil

The kids were off school today. The teachers have training. You would think that I would plan some awesome little activity for myself and the kids huh? Nope. We slept in. The teen is struggling with her grades cause she's suffering from a serious case of HIMA so she's grounded until those grades come up (sidenote: I'm making her suffer by buying her new shoes and stuff, showing them to her and then sitting them on my dresser, until the grades come up). So we are cleaning. And I'm sore.

Fucking zumba. Oh yeah, come on it'll be fun to sign up for zumba and we'll get thin again. Yes!

Oh wait, I'm old as hell and I crawled out of zumba exhausted and sore.

And I'm a big ole whiny bitch.

Gotta go take my happy pill

Tomorrow will be happy day.

By god, tomorrow will be a happy day.

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Upkeep

I went for a little upkeep today. It was girlie shit day. It has come to my attention that my hair is damn near completely white. Yes, I'm 35 years old and my hair is white. Not grey. White. My roots are almost completely white. Can I say that again. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. So as much as Dave loves the dark dark hair, it's time to go back light. Cause frankly the roots blende easier with light hair and I won't feel so bad about the aging of my roots. Damn roots. I have more grey, wait... white, hair than my MOMMA. Not fair. :( But while I was there I got my hair trimmed and got my eyebrowns did, huh they no longer look like caterpillars crawling across my forehead.

Then I shaved my legs when I got home.

Then I brushed my teeth with baking soda. Holy crap. The difference was amazing. I know it's strong on your enamel but once a week or so you should do this apparently. White shiney teeth has me. I likey. 2 minutes you brush and it takes like ass but there you go. Purty teeth.

So now I guess since my school work is done and everyone is asleep and I've cleaned up dinner mess in the kitchen (basalmic roast with rice night) that I will paint my toes. Or maybe go clean up the man cave some, his clothes are everywhere. Or work up a quiz to help Princess study for an elements chart test in science. Or I could scrub the bathroom which is kinda dusty and gross. Don't judge, assholes judge. Don't be an asshole. If it wasn't midnight I'd go get my mail, I haven't checked the damn mail in weeks. Urgh.... I'm behind.

Or maybe I'll read a book.

I think I'll read a book.

In the bathtub.

With a coke and a smile.

Good night.

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Bow down bitches

It was a busy day in the kitchen. Yesterday was beautiful...it was in the late 50's and baby we were bike riding, we were walking the dog to the park, and we were chilling in short sleeves. Then I woke up to a damn white out of snow. By noon it was 7 inches down, bastard.... Then to make it more fun, I missed my nap because I was doing laundry. (Sidebar: my laundry room is in the basement and is dark and warm.... so my gasket on the front loader is starting to get moldy. So a thick paste made from perioxide and baking soda can be smeared on there and let to dry. Then damp warm rag you can wipe it straight off.)

Then I was feeding kids snacks and folding laundry when my man comes storming downstairs. He left work early so he could make the roads in this nastiness outside and the upstairs was empty so he panicks, lol. But then Princess came home with bad grades and ruined my mood.

When I'm pissed or frustrated or sad, I cook.

We had slow roasted chicken, bacon wrapped asparagus, ranch potatoes (the secret is red onions and diced up summer sausage), homemade mac and cheese, and a big ole green salad. Oh and I made a pineapple upside down cake for dessert. From scratch.... as in flour and shit.

Recognize people.

Recognize these skills.

Excuse me while I go try to not beat a kids ass.....

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Fart Fan

Because yesterday wasn't enough. lol. So since we were all in a bad way this trip, we have come to the conclusion that we are going to be a little pickier about selecting hotel rooms. We have a good method so far.... we've come a long way since the days of cheaper is best. We have graduated to nicer rooms and places. When we travel with the kids, it's all about the pool. Since we seem to be destined to live in the northern cold weather we always look for indoor pool and/or water parks. This is huge. Whenever you just want to sit back and chill, you do it poolside while they play. If we are traveling with Murphy, we simply go with our fav since it usually considers both. However this past trip has changed all of it....

We drove the first day until 330 in the morning. Because my husband is stubborn and was determined to push through. I love him. He's amazing. He's seriously the most patient man on earth too. At this point, I'm going to point out that he could have flown home for the funeral, but instead packed up the entire house to take us all with him. Knowing that we would drive him insane. With the dog too. That man. Melts me. But I digress....

So he picks a great place. We lucked out. At 330 in the morning, we got the last room at that hotel. We opened the door to HEAVEN. A huge room with two queen beds and a huge bathroom then a seperate bedroom with a big ass king bed for the parents. Murphy immediately ran and jumped into the king bed and fell asleep, cause he's the bomb like that. The children each stretched out fully clothed on the bed and then the husband comes struggling through the door dragging all the bags.

He drops everything and while nobody was looking, he got into the bathroom first. SON OF A (*&^^%^8()(8. Urgh. I hate that. And of course, I forgot to pack some damn air freshner. So he finally vacates and the children about pass out. The canary had died people.

So we finally got some sleep and at 9am we finally got back on the road. Except at some point, it came back to the subject of that bathroom odor. And the obvious absence of a fart fan. (Dave pointed this out)

People.... come to think about it, there are few things in life you take for granted like a fart fan. Why in the world would you have a nice hotel with some many amenities but no freaking fart fan. Seriously?

The kids then voted and decided that Dave is no longer allowed to get us a hotel room that doesn't have a fart fan. So apparently he is suppose to ask this at the very beginning...you know when you're checking in ... yeah.

So Dave, being my man.... starts running down this imaginary conversation with a desk clerk about a room:

So you have a room?

Does it have a fart fan?

A fart fan....?

You know, in the bathroom...?

No?

Then do you have a bathroom in the lobby here that I can violate?

Dear Lord, these people.... I have to seriously wonder if any of you have discussions like this in your family? Please tell me I'm not alone here. Please. PUHLEASE.

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Gun In My Purse

There are times when I resemble a normal sane woman. I run errands all day today. I sweet talk with the old guy at the DMV to get my license renewed without taking a new written test. I grab a few groceries to hold me over until I can hit up Wally Mart. I stop in at the post office to grab my mail, then stand in line behind the neighborhood gossip waiting on my package. I enjoy my turn to visit with the sweet postal man who calls me by the wrong name (just barely off, lol but hey whatever, he's a dollface). I wave at my neighbor who likes to stand in his front yard and watch me take the trash out in my pjs. It's all kinda fun and I'm such a good happy housewife. (shut up, I am)

I spent my day doing laundry. I got bedding done. I vaccumed. I even washed some damn windows. Then when it was all said and done, Dave walked in. I had chicken breast (lemon pepper) in the oven broiling. Steamed broccoli on the stovetop and rice ready. I was multi-tasking as well. I had Duchess on my bed stretched out and working on vocab and on the white board in my kitchen I had Princess working on alegbra. The Murphy dog was hiding under my bed fresh from a bath and the tub looked like I shaved a monkey in it. But it was a good day....

Then my husband calls me into the livingroom to show me a commerical. He backs up the cable to let me see. This car salesguy from cars.com and the couple were blabbing about how drama free the process blah blah blah. The whole point of that was Dave's like that was funny. I'm like dude, that was not funny. I'm not the wife to prank like that. I'm a crazy. Like seriously, I carry a gun in my purse EVERY SINGLE DAY.

He scratches his chin and goes .... there's that.

If I ever blog from jail.... it's gonna be cause I whip that damn LCP out of my purse and shoot somebody till the bullets are gone and then I beat the utter shit out of them with it.

I should go take my happy pills.

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No Shame

I'd like to share with you the fact that I truly have no shame. There are times when this works best for me. Like on the trip home yesterday. At some point during the trip, we got food poisoning. Now Princess and me were dying but Dave and Duchess were happy to violate every bathroom we happened to pass by.

Wait: is this where I warn you that this is a taste-less post? About poo? Yeah, move on if you're above such a thing. ;)

Princess is kinda like her momma, she's picky about bathrooms. But even she has her limits, and apparently there are some bathrooms she'll consider. Like the one at the farm store that was "squeeky clean mom" NOPE. I'm out. I'm waaaaaaay pickier than that. I'll wait till I get home. Thank you very much. Never mind that home is TWO DAYS AWAY.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

I met my match though about three hours from home. I wasn't going to make it. So I did what any other strong, opiniated woman on a ledge would do...... I picked the fanciest, expensive hotel in town. You know the one. The outside is impressive... just dripping class and taste. The lobby looks like a really expensive old house. And here's the key, that shit has a conference center where they hold events and etc.... weddings, you know the kind. Yeah, I had Dave drop me off at the front door.

Wearing my pjs (cause I travel like that yo) and my sunglasses (cause I was too good for them common people lol) I busted up in that lobby like I owed that bitch. Then followed the signs to the event rooms and there it was... the holy of all holy bathrooms. Next to any of those areas they always have a very elegant, immaculate bathroom. Nobody stopped me, and in fact if you strut just right, people will literally move out of your way. So I got there fast. I flipped that lock and bless my heart I think I about died. Tried to kill me they did.

Now, the beautiful thing about these bathrooms is the fact that its always stocked with hand oils, real towels and etc so you can literally pamper yourself. I finally swung out of there and walzted through the event prep area where somebody was getting ready for a corporate meeting so I grabbed some bottled water and bailed. Had to walk out the front and then across the road to where the Dave and the kids were shopping at a sports/outdoors store.

I met up with them at the entrance and we all turned to see Princess come quickly walking out of their bathroom. She was moving briskly and looked a little pale. Her exact words "they may need to repaint in there, let's go NOW".

No shame.

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