Poor Excuse for A Wife/Mother

Tonight I did something I have never done in ten years of being a wife/mother. I fed my royal house via the frozen dinner section of my local grocery store. Yes, The Man is not happy, although he is full of Hungry Man (he agreed to this scheme to keep the dishes/kitchen clean) and the royal kiddo's? Well let's just say that you seriously need a degree in aeronautical mechanics to heat up a freaking Kid Cruisine.....Remove all food except corn, heat, add mac/cheese back in, heat, add back nuggests, heat while you chisel the ketchup packet. Good night.

I did manage to hit the store one last time for cleaning supplies and the above mentioned yummy food (please note that everyone got to choose their own dinner! I got Smart Ones and mine was freaking awesome!)

However, poor Duchess couldn't hang, she took a snooze in the buggy. I think she gets that "can sleep anywhere thing from The Man".

Princess was sporting her new Christmas duds and I must say that my eight year old is quite the fashionista. I'm impressed. The boots are rocking with the matching belt and vintage Coca Cola shirt. Yep, that's my girl y'all.

Read More

There are no words...

There are no words for how freaking happy I am. Since the movers come on Tuesday, I had to complete the final "need" list for the new house. Been along time since I've purchased appliances so the prices out there for fridges and laundry stuff is freaking outrageous! So after three weeks of having the "mini nervous breakdown" every time I visited the store (apparently hoping that one of the many stores would have a cheap day).

However, we got blessed! Every once in a while, the sun breaks free from the clouds and shines on a particular spot. This spot today was a local outlet store from Sears. They rock. The Man calls it "scratch and sniff" but it's actually scratch and dent, but we got a new fridge for 25% of the original cost cause of a quarter sized dent in the door. Sweet, I have a magnet the perfect size to hide it! (Warning the major frugal redneck shopper in me is coming out!)

So fridge is now in my garage, under rock and key. Plus, I was the one helping to unload that sucker and let me tell you, I've earned the sore back I am sporting.

On to the washer and dryer, well that ended well too. The thought of purchasing those brand new was about as appealing as having blood flow out of my eyeballs. Soooo, after pursuing the local paper, I found a "too good to be true" listing. Read something like this: "He left me, the three kids and the dog for her. I'm selling it all cheap. Come get them, they are a year old." So I got me some awesome top of the line laundry units for less than the bargain basement cost of brand new with stickers on it from the store. Thank you Mr. Whoever You Are, You sleezy Dog.

The Man is getting big kudos tonight for being the brute strength behind all of the action here in this house today. We salute you "Mr. Man who carries a washer on his back from the truck to the garage cause his helpmate wife was trying to help unload it in her fuzzy pink not sexy houseshoes and slid right out from under said washer."

Next up: Completing the major cleaning and "trashing" of all the crap that we continually move around with us but never use.

Read More

Conquering a Fear

Duchess conquered a fear tonight.

Since receiving the new Elmo for Christmas from her Mimi, Duchess has been very insistent that Elmo is always "nappy" and when he is not sitting quietly in his high chair, he's in his carrying box. He is never turned on. See, this Elmo laughs, rolls around the floor, flips onto his stomach to beat on the floor and more. Well Duchess isn't too sure about that. So, since she loves Elmo, he is always with her, just never "on".

Tonight she and Elmo came down to assist with removing the Christmas tree (in full princess gear cause really who cleans the house in anything but a full ball gown and hair accessories, not me I assure you. In fact, I'm in my best Pocahontas outfit now) Elmo "accidentily turned on (we adults dig the little guy) and after 20 minutes, Duchess got brave. She is now willing to turn him on and press his little foot to set off the giggle fest. However, she runs and leaps feet tucked in already into my lap as soon as he starts laughing. One baby step at a time! Go Duchess Go.

Princess hasn't been seen most of the night. Thanks to the Hello Kitty bath stuff, she is probably prunny and cold by now. Though she has learned the secret of "heating" up the bath water to prolong a good soak. Oh and she's reading in the tub too. That is my daughter y'all.

Read More

Time is Ticking...

We are a-go. All systems are a go. Last day at work, movers come on Tuesday and we leave this beautiful sunny place on Thursday the 4th. It's sad to leave but exciting to move into a new era. Era? Yeah, I'm still working my way through my first coffee, I will think of something better sounding later.

But we're heading to another beautiful snowy place. My boots arrived and yeah, they are awesome. Almost like having a foot sized blanket!

Last night I taught my new neighbor in military housing how to use a kitchen knife to break into her screen door. Poor thing was locked out and all that stood between her and her hungry (nursing) twins were a locked screen door and a sleeping husband. I'm glad to know that I'm leaving behind some of my "wifely" wisdom as I move on. Needless to say, she got carried away and her screen looks like Zorro came by to visit. Hopes she calls maintenance, looks like crap!

Read More

Merry Christmas

Duchess is ready to cook now!

Princess is ready to perform onstage!

Right after her nap in her reading chair

Cause Duchess and the new Elmo that Mimi sent
have already perfected Christmas day chilling.

Me and The Man, are cleaning up the mess that Santa left behind.
He drank all the milk, Crap, what store is open on Christmas?

Read More

The Reason For The Season

Happy Holidays from the Royal House!
Be sure to share the Reason for the Season, Jesus
and his story with your family.

Read More

Happy Days

Must say that I'm thoroughly impressed with people who can get *stuff* done. Our new company has rallied to our cause (see previous post about military housing deadlines) and on Jan 2, a big ole truck with alot of little packers will show up to grace us with their presence. My house will be packed out on that day and they'll come back to drive it away on the 3rd. Woohoo! So, I'll need a new book and alot of coffee. This is my 10th "total" move, so I know the drill. Sip, read, stay out of their way and order pizza for lunch to feed the hungry packers.

The Man has the hard job, keeping Princess and Duchess out of the way, I wonder if it's possible to spend 8 hours at Chuckie Cheese without going insane? We'll let you know if he survives.

Christmas is upon us and I'm extrememly happy to note that I'm ready. Except that my mom's package for the royal house have not arrived. Crap! It'll get here right on time, I hope. We have all the gifts wrapped and under the tree, thanks to my mom and my mother in law, the kids have tons of toys, besides all the warm clothes we bought them and wrapped, yes, I'm that mom!

Thanks to the dancing housing lady (taser dreams), the royal house will open their gifts on the prettiest carpet you've ever seen. See, while out shopping for the winter boots we'll all need, The Man gets a phone call. I've never seen his eyes get so wide and then shrink so small in such a short time. He listens and grunts, then hands the phone to me. Dancing housing lady is groveling, because in the hour that we've been out of the house, a carpet cleaning company had let themselves into my home, illegally. Then not bothered by the site of an obviously occupied home, they shampooed half the carpets in my house before calling her. Said lady is having a heart attack at this point b/c well we're now "those" people. You know, the ones who showed their arse in her office. So she is beside herself. Once realizing that I got a free carpet clean right before I move out, therefore insuring that there would be no carpet charges, Yeah, I realized I could live with this. Merry Christmas to me!

Read More

The Golden Ticket

We are blessed. Once again, we spent an evening in pure panic over the contract that has yet to arrive from The Man's new job. We should know better at this point. A friendly phone call came through, Mr. Fed Ex Man is delievering the "Golden Ticket" today. It's highly convenient since I have today off (and tomorrow, I had to burn some leave before I officially leave my job on the 29th). So instead of using my new gift card (thanks fellow employees, for the luncheon and the VISA card) I will be cleaning my house awaiting the precious sound of the doorbell. Yes! We are blessed.

Then I will wade out into traffic bound for the mall. I have to get a cold weather jacket. Said VISA will come in handy. However, having never been to this new state before, I have no idea what to get. Mr. Weatherman said it was in the 30's in our new hometown today. Oh and it'll drop to the single digits tonight, with freaking snow. I'm a notoriously cold person, I live along a coast with balmy tropical breezes and I'll be the one in a sweater. It's obviously going to be a problem keeping myself warm in new place. So, do I get a parka? Do I get fake fur lined, is that warmer? Do I get it a little big size wise so I have room for my three sweatsuits under it? I'm not sure how you go about shopping for a big arse coat!

Although I did find the boots I want.......I love shoes. These are featured in a serious sale. Do they look too warm? Can you get shoes that are too warm? I didn't think so. These babies are mine. 19.99 is a great deal. Said VISA and I are on a mission now, as soon as the "Golden Ticket" arrives.

Update: Well The Man hated the boots I wanted. Not insulated, blah blah blah, not appropriate for the weather, blah blah blah.... I'm pretty sure more was said, but before I know it he is on his outdoor man website and I'm the new owner of a tough, kick arse looking pair of winter boots. Are these bad boys tough looking or what? So with my new jacket, I'm gonna be a tough looking chick. Well, not too sure how I feel about that. I'm imagining myself HOT and instead I'm looking TOUGH. Surely there isn't anything bad about that, but I'm almost 30! I want to be HOT. I'm gonna have to paint my nails delicate pink for the entire winter!

Read More

Dreaming of a Taser

People just can't stand it when you're happy. So I have decided that I need my very own taser. Stephanie Plum gets to use one, so I want one. Now. And The Man refuses to buy me one.

See the story goes like this (long and lengthy, you'll need chocolate), I'm training my replacement. She is another story guys, more on that another day. So my cake week at work to be spent reading the gossips site and checking on my favorite blogs. But no, she is a rock and I'm trying to feed a year of info into a rock. So I'm stressed out and my boss refuses to speak to her AT ALL. In fact, he refers to her in front of her, as the new girl with the nose ring. I didn't pick this girl, my company picked her. I'm doing the best I can. So at this point I'm gonna say something nice cause my momma says that I should always find something nice to say about someone, here goes. I like the top half of her hair, the red is a great shade. There, I'm done.

Except, while training her, I'm dealing with the move, The Man is dealing with everything while on the cell with me, and the kids spent their last day in care. We're in deep poop people. Our housing office calls to tell him that we can't extend our notice (as orginially assured) because they've given our house to someone else, we have to be out on the 22nd of THIS MONTH. My taser would have come in handy when I then left work and marched into said housing office manager's private office and slammed her door behind me. Sizzle sizzle, dance housing lady dance. But no, no taser, so after throwing a country fit upside her, I got my extension. Taser Reason #1.

Then the military says they would move us, however we are 1481 miles from our home of record and we want to move 725 miles. No problem huh? Wrong, it's cheaper according to move lady to go the 1481 due to straight shot on interstate.......WTF? Sizzle Sizzle? Nope, had to go in and argue till I'm blue in the face. Taser Reason #2.

So new company is going to move us.....only problem. Office is closed for Christmas. Do you see the pattern here.......we'll get back to you after Christmas. Sizzle Sizzle. Reason #3.

I'm not counting the fact that my head is pounding but, I escorted my darlings to eat at Denny's (thanks for the gift certificate H) on Kid's Eat Free Night (What? I'm frugal, it's a great quality!) Where I slip away to the rest room and upon reaching our table, Dutchess yells "Princess called me a LOSER!" Excuse me? This errupts into a huge fight with three grapes flying in the process over who brought up the LOSER issue first. The Man you ask? He was zoned out and looks up startled, "What'd I miss?"

I was NOT at any time wishing for a taser at this point.........swear........I mean it........

Read More

You sing Christmas Songs, We sing Redneck...

What a blessfully quiet day here....until now. We've got the amps, the micrcophones, the karaoke machine, The Man is leading the songs and the rest of the royal house are jamming along. Except it's not Holiday music...... nope........

We're cooler than that.... it's redneck music folks!

Cory Morrow: The Mercentary Song

What else did I accomplish, you ask?

Princess and I did hair tonight. She got this nifty IGIA thingy that adds cute little fabric wraps to your hair. I managed to accomplish this with no tears, no blood loss, and better yet no mangled hair.

Woo hoo, getting better at this hair thing. I suck at hair, that is the reason I've had the same hair style for ten years. This kids' got style though. Oh and Duchess, lost interest after 2 seconds and took off to watch Ariel, again.............. Now we're off to do Christmas nails, red and green....

Update: English results in ----- 99.45 % for the class! Chocoate reward!!

Read More

I've Been Smarter...

Yes, it's true. I have been alot smarter. Last night I had a playdate for both kids. Woohoo, Christmas shopping without having to stress, The Man was spending his last night on the ship and I was homefree. I had four hours of blissful free time to shop. So I hit the base department store first, great sales. Got some stuffers for the stockings, next stop JC Penney's for sweaters and a coat for Princess. Except, as I'm stowing the bags in the trunk, a car passes close to me and startled, I slammed the trunk lid on my thumb, then dropped the keys, and watched as the lid bounced up and then back down... locking my keys in the trunk as I stood by sucking my thumb. I've been smarter. One hour of shopping, two hours of sitting on back of car in dark parking lot after store closed, attempting to reach someone....... I love The Man, who bully-ed his way off the ship on his duty day to come rescue me finally. My Hero! I'm still cold..... Wow, my shadow looks huge, need to slack off the chocolate.....

Read More

Check? Check? Check?

Well we are fully in the midst of Christmas Spirit.

Princess tells me before bed that she has a singing performance at school, the next morning, no prob. Just toss together an outfit, CHECK.

Dutchess changes her mind and wants an Ariel scooter instead of a Cinderella scooter, have receipts, exchange? or just teach her to make do with what she gets and be happy? I vote be happy, CHECK.

The new landlady calls and says paperwork for house is on the way. Happy happy me? CHECK.

Work was given three weeks notice yet boss is now asking for my forwarding address, he needs someone to do his homework next month. Give him fake address? CHECK.

New neighbors move in next door. Their first sighting of the elusive happy paper writer was me with a towel on my wet head, sweats with a not so discreet hole in the rear, and a tank top that is waaaaaaaay to small. Make a good redneck impression? CHECK.

Big meeting today with the big boss to discuss my departure. Short on time, I take a quick bathroom break. Sitting across for the scariest woman alive with my fly down, gaping open for all the world to see, with pink poka dot undies? CHECK.

Rough draft of final paper turned in on time? CHECK.

Rough draft of final paper with paper actually attached to post, ummmmm, one frantic call to professor to assure myself that I won't lose points cause I'm an airhead? CHECK.

I'm done here people, I've done my best.

Read More

This Paper Sucks.....the big mighty one...

At what point do you take a seriously large carving knife to your book? Well I'll let you know later as I'm almost at that point now. I finally called the professor, something I never do, to be told this:

"Relax, your papers are graduate material anyway."

Great, no pressure to do a fabulously great final paper! Crap...

Read More

Duchess got a Porn Cake

Happy Birthday sweet girl. My baby, the littlest in my royal court is four. God, I'm old. Anyway, last party of the week done! No sleepover, just a bunch of little girls running around in super cute dress up clothes. Hour and a half tops! She had an awesome time, got some fun gifts and enjoyed herself! That is all that matters.

Oh and The Man called me from Costco prior to the party to inform me that her cake had porn on it. Well see for yourself....but does that princess look big breasted or what? So I'm wondering what in the hell....sure enough. Those are some huge boobs. I'm so jealous.

Anywho, have a large paper to write tonight, I'm actually ahead of my schedule as the rough draft isn't due until tomorrow night. Woohoo! Go me. Making some tea, doing about 20 loads of laundry (haven't washed nothing since Thursday) and getting busy. The Man is awaiting his final contract and we're awaiting the contract on our house. God willing everything will come through this week quickly. Keep praying.

More pics from Duchess' party below.

Read More

She's 8 and I'm Old!

I know that she'll never forget having eight of her very best friends over to celebrate her 8th birthday. Silly me, I figured that only a few would show, no...no not the case. Forgot that it's silly season and that every parent needs evenings without their kids to shop for gifts. Yep, I got all eight.

So they karaoked, sleeping bag races, tasted baby food in a fear factor eating contest, watched three movies, and managed to consume the following:
* 4 lbs of M&M's....I forgot to put the bag up.
* Half of a birthday cake meant to feed 48 people (Costco, it was dirty cheap so why not)
* 3 Super sized bags of chips
* 1 oven sized Costco pepperoni pizza (I got none! Not even a spare crust)
* 12 pack of root beer
* 4 boxes of all fruit juice packs
* 1 gallon super sweet tea (yep, that one was me)

At mid-night, I pulled out the "If you don't sleep I'll call and wake up your mom" routine, so I finally got a little shut eye on the couch, with Duchess all over me. She was a trooper, she partied with them all night long.

Morning brought 3 dozen cinnamon rolls and more juice. I got none of that either. Those still hungry where raiding my fridge. One kid ate left over spagetti, for breakfast....

It was a great party and she got lots of awesome gifts and I am the coolest mom ever. I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN! Ever......cause they ate all the chocolate and didn't share!

Read More

The Man is a STUD!

The Man left his interview with a job! Woohoo! He is a stud.
So we're moving and we're moving soon. We're super excited!
Can you tell, exclaimation points everywhere?

I'm gonna have some chocolate!

Read More

How to Fight with Your Spouse!

When I came across this today (while I was suppose to be working, however it was either surf the net or sleep due to boredom, so I think they should be happy that at least I looked like I was working), I saw this....

How to Fight with Your Wife.....

I admit, once I realized it was an actual article, I just scanned it with the intent on moving on, however the word B*TCH hit me like a mac truck between the eyes. Can they say that? Well they did.....

So, I read it, it's actually pretty good advice. I can't wait to "mirror" him!

Read More

From the speckled pissy paper writer:

Winter is upon us, finally. However, Princess now refuses to leave the house without
A. a hat
B. a thick, furry coat (forget PETA for this kid)
C. Gloves
D. Boots

I think she is gonna always be cold like her momma. Duchess doesn't care and tried to leave for school this morning in a skirt, cowgirl boots and a short sleeved shirt. Kid feels nothing.

The Man has decided to just be a pirate. (This is his: I can't believe you're taking a picture of me in the party store like this... face). This solves his job dilemma. Although prayers people, he is flying out tomorrow for his big time interview AND we should hear about the dream job results next week. So the Lord is moving and I'm praying for a blessing. We are walking on faith here.

Week four's final paper has been turned in. Written soley on highly sweeten tea and no sleep, I'm not feeling it but we'll see what the professor thinks. Oh and the hives are starting to go away. You can thank me now, as I decided not to share those pictures with you. Very gross. Either the stress is lightening or I have used enough cream on them (I vote for cream, since I've used four tubes in as many days.)

Read More

Tree? Check...Ice Cream?....Check

Read More

Self Grooming

What do you do when you have 1.5 inch roots that are waaaaaaay off color than the rest of your hair? Do you wait till Sunday night at 7:00 and throw everyone in the car for a trip to the drugstore? And drive an extra block to get to the one with the military discount and a gift card? (Yeah, gonna miss those perks)

Yes, yes you do. Because everyone is that pathetic and paranoid, right? Good to know. So the only question now is....do I do the eyebrows to match? Because it's winter so it's time for dark hair again.

Ah...the true meaning of "the changing of the seasons"

Read More

Times They Are A Changing...

Well we finally got news that the man's terminal chit has been signed, for non-military folks that means that in less than 3 weeks, The Man goes on his 30 days prior to drop dead date leave. Yep, it's swiftly approaching. No word on the fabo job The Man wants (unless you count the HR is behind and we're trying to get your stuff done). So looks like The Man is heading off to Utah next week for a long standing interview with a big arse company (the name is probably somewhere on the outside of your computer). Problem! Problem you ask. Yes, problem. The Man is not thrilled about this job but is determined to go get it. My Man is an outdoors kinda of guy, and this is a labrat indoors kind of job. Can you say MISERABLE? But, it's a job and a great job at that. Needless to say, we are praying the other job calls first. Then he has the backup job here. However, we don't want to stay here. BUT, we're open for blessings. So when you have all of this simmering, what do you do?

Put up a Christmas tree. Yep, it's amazing how wonderful it felt to dedicate ourselves to the idea of having Christmas, then worrying about chosing The Man's next job. So we're hanging the lights and settling in. Just when we should be packing up and heading out. Seems strange? Yeah, well it feels good though. Blessings will come and we'll make the right decision. We'll end up where we are meant to be, until then, I'm singing carols and the kids are baking cookies all basking in the glow of those precious white lights from our tree. :) I love Christmas! Amazingly enough, the hives are almost gone, (brought on my slight stressing on my part) I credit the tree. That tree represents the meaning of Christmas to me, yeah we'll be fine.

Duchess announced upon gazing up at our beautiful (if slightly naked on the bottom) tree:

"We'll name him Steve"

Have I mentioned that I'm sick of the movie "Over the Hedge"?

Read More

Well Santa.....

Royalty proceeded to visit Santa this morning. The base had a "all hands" for the Santa visit, so we loaded up and went in. However, the strollers and crowds were curved around three streets awaiting the free food and Santa visit. Soooooooo, whipped out the handy cell phone and called a mall near the house. YES, their Santa house is open and no lines. Off we go, as the Duchess announces that she refuses to leave the car till she can see Santa (aka: she isn't going home). Listening to the songs from "Over the Hedge" for the 90th time, we head off to the mall. Upon finding a parking spot close to the Santa house, I felt blessed, it was meant for me to foresake all things "base, military, free, and family enriching" and flee with the kids to the local civilian mall like normal people. So there we are in the entrance to the Santa house, Princess immediately walks over and the conversation goes something like this....

"My friends don't believe in you, but I do, cause I want toys. "(Santa is nodding, good good. So what do you want for Christmas) "Well, I've given it some thought and I'd like====

"A 20 inch blue bike from Toy's R Us" (Santa replies that he doesn't shop there, he makes his toys) "Well can I get a gift certificate to Toy's R Us then?

Well there you have it. Duchess meanwhile was trying to hide in my purse and refused to look at Santa much less go anywhere near him, despite her earlier tantrums. Sooooo, I gave Santa her list, a Ariel hair set, some lipgloss and a scooter. Done deal, that was easy. Till we left and he said goodbye to her to which she screams "Mom, that stranger is talking to me!"

So we ran, I meant left the mall heading towards the parking lot, cause who really shops while dragging two kids. The Man had to work cause his ship sucks! so there I was with both of them and a birthday/Christmas list a mile long. Whew, gonna have to bribe the Man with unspeakables so he'll watch the kids so I can shop, as ususally he wants to go with. :( Oh well, we'll figure it out.

However, on the way to the car, the local auxillary picked us up in the courtsey golf carts for a ride to the car. Nice............my day is looking up......

Read More