(**** my happy stupid self has internet people.......at my house......woohoo.....)
So two nights ago we got a knock on the door at 9 p.m., since I was surfing the big ole tub in my bathroom, The Man graciously went to the door. He came back with a cute, scrapbooked invite to the neighborhood BBQ.....the next afternoon.
There went my plan to photo copy it and get it out to all the uninvited neighbors......dang....they must have seen the evil smile on my face....
So I got home yesterday and got busy making stuff to take. Then my boss had a travel emergancy in Midland Texas. Then since I had no internet I was on two phones, one with my boss and one with a travel agent, trying to save him. No such luck, dang economy and cheap, flight reducing airlines. Sorry boss man, I tried....
So hence, I was late for the BBQ, and I went in my office clothes, all black with the whole professional face and hair plus heels. Rocking that burb look, I was not. But I had food, happy clean cute kids and The Man was due in any minute from work. I put on my happy face and promised The Lord I would not drop one F bomb at all. Not one.......so help me Jesus.
It didn't start off promising at all, I got there and my oldest took off to coo and hold every baby around, this is Utah so there were tons of infants to occupy her time. Duchess promptly climbed up the back of my shirt, thus lowering my cleavage level into dangerous territory. She's shy and doesn't like strangers. Lord help me, I taught the poor kid to be unfriendly, great.....
I put the food down and promptly two husbands walk up and start the 3rd degree trying to juice me for my life history. I so don't fall for that, boys I have worked for people like you forever, I totally can turn the tables, learn all your little secrets and then remind you of them later. But it was fun to watch them try. Meanwhile, I'm holding my cleavage as Duchess continued the Hudini act behind me and The Man was not showing up as promised. He was hanging me out to dry, it was pay back and I was not happy.
Not to mention, the wives of said husbands sat 50 feet away in lawn chairs surrounded by their children. Glaring. Okay, should have expected that, I wore heels to a BBQ, fry me at the stake. This continued until I was able to gather everything, including my dignity and return home.
Until The Man walks up with lawn chairs, a big ole kiss and promptly gathered Duchess out from behind me, thus saving my dignity and cleavage. The husbands quickly shifted their attention and the wives slowly began approaching the area in the yard, out by the curb where the children and I sat while waiting on our steaks to cook. It was looking up....
Until as we all gathered around the table to serve up sides and one wife asked me where I got my cute little accent....(mental eye roll inserted here, man I'm a cynic) but I'm game and I do want to get along decently with my neighbors. So I just smiled, told her I left Louisiana on a bus 13 years ago but it was hard to shake. Then she mentioned how people must just love to hear me talk. Well I said sure until they start automatically deducting IQ points. Silence...... then a full minute later her husband starts laughing hysterically and yells, I got it. Oh boy.
But I chatted and talked recipes and answered questions about what I did for a living and how my kiddos had to attend kids camp since I work. I started to feel pretty good about the whole thing. My kids were being adorable too.....One family complimented Duchess on how articulate she was for her age, then she preceeded to tell them every large vocabulary word she knows, in random order. Little cute show off, she gets that from The Man.
As the sun started to set, I gathered my dishes, peeled Princess away from a bald headed baby named Oscar (yes girlfriend, Oscar........how is that for a hoot......bigest brat you reading this...I pay you to read my blog so you'd better), wrestle Duchess away from the dessert table and The Man and I start inching towards the street where we'd walk two yards over to our house.
Two things happen that became the train wreck........one, a husband who just loves to talk and had followed The Man around all night chatting, actually told The Man that he was just amazed at how many big tough guys (i.e. ex-military) lived in the neighborhood and that The Man was the bigest of the bunch......that silence was golden until the poor guys wife picked him up and carried him home, I jest.....really he is just such a little fellow, he meant no harm.
The Hope4Grace moment of shame came when our hostess' dad showed up in his car and promptly went around shaking hands and kissing babies. He came over and caught us as we had made it to the street and introduced himself as a local church leader. We shook hands and The Man introduced himself....the guy looks at me and goes "well are you related to him"
WTF?
I wish I could say that I said, "Oh I'm his better half" or "I'm *&%$%&, his wife" or even "F--- you, have a nice day" but oh no.......I had to pop off a quote from my favorite Simpson's episode and I go "Oh yeah, I took his DNA when we got married, and then we had babies"
Silence = Awkward
Everyone kinda laughed a little after a minute, while one guy was literally swallowing his tongue while his eyes bulged out trying not to laugh, The Man just kissed my forehead. Yeah, you know it's bad when he does that.
Poor old man, he was awful red in the face but we left and marched our little family home. The Man, he loves me enough to assure me that it all went great and we'll all be best of neighbors.
I'm soooooooooo not getting invited to the next BBQ.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Baptist at the BBQ
