Redneck Parenting 101

Upon planning our move to Utah, we dreamed of all the outdoorsy things we could share with our girls. Although you can't tell it now, we were once very athletic people. While dating, we did rodeo, hiking, fishing and shooting skeet. We love the outdoors, but the Navy isn't really conducive to such a life when you are surrounded my people and living like rats in a jar. However Utah? Utah rocks.

I came home from work to dinner on the table and the house cleaned. The guns were oiled and ready, the kids were dressed and ready. I got dressed and ready. We're off.

The Man started us off with a good show. Dang ya'll it's been a long time since I've seen that man handle a gun. Yeah baby.

Then Duchess got interested. Please note that everyone wore big ole white ear plugs, we are safety conscience here! Being that Duchess is a lefty, we had to alter our shooting habits. But The Man got very involved and before I could bite off two nails over my baby's first shot, she hit a target. Holy cow! That is my girl! Okay, The Man has something to do with it too.

Then Princess gets involved with her BB Gun. Cause she's a sharp one, she's been working on that baby since she got it, when she was six. We start them early. More on that later...

But then Princess moved up to the 12 guage. Cause she rocks like that ya'll. The Man was breaking down some instructions before she got busy.

Then Duchess has to come back for more. She got the .22 magnum out and tore up some clays. She is a stud in training.

She now has a shell from her first shooting day. What a girl.

A wonderful day, except I'm sore. Cause yeah baby, I took my turn on the rounds. Except I'm not nearly as good at it as I once was. I'll be practicing, alot.

The Man believes in full training for our girls. Cause he thinks it'll be helpful if they were willing and able to pistol-whip any wayward boyfriends in the future.

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Gravy makes everthing better....

What do you need when your pissy, the world hates you and bloating seems inescapable? Gravy.

I came home to beautiful thick gravy, biscuits, deer steaks and mashed potatoes. YUM. My world got a whole lot better. Who needs chocolate when you have gravy. It's a beautiful thing.

Until The Man cleans the kitchen and tosses the whole dish of gravy.

WTF?

It just goes downhill from there.

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Hoping for Style

In my never ending search for style, I tripped across an angel who sent me a pashmina. Oh my mercy, if you've never held one to your face and just sighed, you're hopeless. Quite like I was. I've been so freaking scared to even get it out of the closet, less Duchess decide it was perfect dress up clothing. The majority of my clothes have fell victim to this. But I broke out the pashmina today as I just needed to rub my face on something soft.

Pardon my sunburn, spent Memorial Day at the pool......
Princess about broke my heart when she assured me that I was wearing it wrong....WHAT! How dare my eight year old critique my fashion.....

So.... I tried other poses.....

This is my favorite. The old come hither look over the shoulder. The Man was not impressed and when passing by and saw this, asked what I'd done to my hair that I needed to cover it. No fashion sense that man! None.

So whatcha think? Am I wearing it wrong? Am I doomed to have no fashion sense for the rest of my life?

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Oh Princess...

Each and every child inherits something from their parents...their mother. Princess that sweet baby of mine has my hair color, my face shape, my smile and my grace. Or lack there of.... Got a call from the school last week that she kissed the sidewalk, with her chin. However, after hearing that, Princess gets on and assures us that she is fine and it's not bleeding anymore. Go girl! She gets the toughness from The Man....I'm a screamer.
So she now has a chin scar thing going on. Which I keep assuring her that it will fade, however she is quite paranoid about it. Poor baby, scars are cool. She should ask me, I have a ton. Including a new one from my fall down the stairs the other night, my only excuse was that I was wearing socks on the carpet stairs, and more concerned with not spilling my bowl of carrot cake and DP rather than turning on the light. Opps.

This is the same sweet child who got busted talking to herself in the mirror (argument between personalities? Oh wait, I'm the gemini, not her....nevermind) when she was suppose to be cleaning her bathroom. I love cameras, cause that is the beautiful thing about blackmail, it's a beautiful thing.

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Yo, ho....

"Yo, ho, haul together, hoist the Colors high. Heave ho, thieves and beggars, never shall we die."

Saw it, loved it! This coming from someone who CAN NOT sit through an entire movie without wandering off, is a compliment to the highest!

Oh, and it was yummy!!!!! Yeah baby!

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The Hunting Mecca Trip

Because we adore The Man, and because we ask alot of manly things from him (wash the car, clean the garage, take out the trash, unclog the toliet... nevermind) we occassionally do special manly things for him. One of such things is a trip to the Hunting Mecca. The 13000 square feet of everything hunting, fishing and outdoorsey....

However, there is no such thing as a simple "trip" into the mecca that is hunting. The recent "trip" turned into three hours of wandering, pursuing and education and marko-polo.

First, we all wandered around together. That gets old quick, I like the food/house area and The Man loves the gun side. So we each take a kid and split. That is where the fun begins.
After a hour of browsing, Duchess and I started hunting for our people. The other people who didn't bring their cell phone in.

On our journey, we saw the taxidermy competition. Duchess really like the big lion. Whose owner was extremely nervous when she climbed behind the red ropes and approached him, cause "Mommy I need a picture of him, he's cute". Who can say no to that? Not I or said owner.

Then we taste tested some fudge, and some granola, and then some syrup and then had some maple popcorn, cause looking for people in a store that sized, makes you hungry. Then we got thirsty so we hit the lemonade stand.

We then journey through the fishing section, where Duchess got a lesson in casting with a Barney pole. That was cute but I have no pic cause I was working a fly fishing pole. Old guys in that department love us... we're clueless but fun.

We then journeyed over to the outdoor exhibits where we climbed into a big blow up bouncer and had some fun. The salesguy assured us that it was only for display though, so we left. Spoilsport.

Then we hit the gun musuem, where we paid homage to John Wayne's gun that was on display. I love John Wayne. I have a picture of him in my bathroom, kid you not. That is another post though.

We found the camping section next, wow! I was in awe of all the cool outdoor/tent cooking stuff. I could make a four course meal on some of that stuff. Apparently I should pay more attention when The Man mentions camping. Hmmmm something to think about. Wonder if they make portable air conditioners for tents?


Speaking of tents, Duchess found this beauty. This amazing thing was so awesome with all of its comforts of home. At this point, we accidently wondered into the other people in our party.

Who were concerned cause they've spent their entire trip looking for us. Opps. They went twice to the car, even staked out the bathrooms, seems they didn't enjoy our "trip" as much as Duchess and I did.

Although....

Princess did inspect the talking moose.... and didn't cry when it got her hand. Trooper!

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Ode to Chicken

I adore this red thing. This weathered trusty friend who makes the chicken that makes me sing. This is a recent addition to my home, it arrived with my mom and the photo hating step-dad. However, the sight of this beauty on my porch, makes me smile. Always.
Because this is the best dang chicken in the world. Smoked for four hours along with foil wrapped potatoes and corn over mesquite wood. OH MY MERCY! I have fond thoughts of this chicken. I actually had a dream about it the other night. Perhaps it's not normal to have dreams of food, but I love food, so I'm comfortable with this. All this wonderfulness was created by the photo-elusive step-dad. Who isn't surely threatening me with a knife because I have once again snuck up with a camera. Please....this is the house of cameras.

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Happy Birthday

Well I brought my 30th birthday in with style. Cake, Steak and shrimp dinner, fried potatoes, and gifts. Very exciting stuff going on around here. The 30th didn't come in as hard as I thought it would. I can honestly say that I'm thrilled to have hit my 30's. It's a good place to be.
The Man helped me ring it in with style, cause every girl needs balloons and hugs!

Although I almost lost my appetite when I saw Duchess's appreciation for my cake.

Then I blew out my candles, and when they re-lit, I blew them out again, and again and then the smoke caused an asthma attack but The Man quickly watered the candles out finally. He loves me.

So I'm very happy to report that 30 is looking like a very fine year!

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Burning Cake

Happy 30th Birthday to me! Details, pictures of my burning cake and more tomorrow!

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OMG, Help!

I do so love my new job. It's great everything: benefits, free dr. pepper in the fridge, free Sonic-like chopped ice in the kitchen, a great work environment, fancy office chairs and a printer that I think can fax to Mars...

However, I'm in deep doo-doo people!

Here is a list of areas that are challenging me:

1. NO ONE SMOKES! (TLG I know you feel me here)So when I go to get the mail, I'm smoking like four and nursing a buzz for an hour.... I need the stop smoking pill NOW!

2. DRESSCODE! I who only wears black or white am screwed. These people are fashionistas. And, and, and they accessorize, well. I've decided to start adding one piece of not-matching-at-all clothing or accessories to my outfit.

3. HAIR! For the chick who does not have certification to even lift a curling iron considering the amount of burns she has received in the past, this is killing me. Up-do's, extensions, fake hair pieces, weird side sweeps. These people make this stuff look great! Note to self: let 4 year old fix your hair tomorrow, that could work...?

Okay, otherwise I'm doing good, just challenged....crap, I'm not girlie enough!

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This scares me...

A friend made this for me...that scares me. For some reason, I'm not seeing the resemblance. Should that scare me more?

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Never Again Mommy, Never Again

Recently my wonderful, photo-elusive step-dad and my mom were home with Duchess. While preparing dinner, he volunteered to allow Duchess to share in the joy that is home cooking. They made biscuits from scratch as well as fried eggplant (did I mention we're country people?).
Here is Duchess carefully coating the eggplant before he fried them. This takes skill people, not to mention she swept up the mess she made on the floor, that takes guts! Cornmeal on a wood floor sucks!

Here she is carefully filling the measuring cup with flour. As the photo-elusive step-dad (hee hee, what he doesn't know what hurt him) is captured by Mimi as he patiently allows Duchess to assist. Also not saying a word when she coated the entire front of him with flour....

The simple joy of the overall experience brought forth conversation all evening:

• Mom, I need my very own cookbook (said while piggy tails were flopping as she bounced in place)
• Daddy, I'm a big girl now and I cook so mommy never has to cook, ever ever again (I am fond of this promise, I have it on video, three times)
• This biscuit is for you daddy, I only dropped it three times

I love that my kids are learning the good tradition value of artery blocking, cholesterol raising deep fried Southern goodness that is cooking from scratch.

Next up: grits and brown eye gravy

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Sweet Freedom

Well yesterday was a good day. I managed to leave my long time temp job with The Man's company with no burnt, crispy bridges....okay, a few were singed but I'll sleep okay with that. I think that came down to two type A personalities with the same job and career ladder.
So I got a send off with a cake, sorry had to cover my real name ;) but you get the idea. It's been wonderful. I actually left work early. Me, I left early. This is a big occassion as I'm very serious minded about work. So I left at 2 and came home to have a lovely nap. ( I nap often, I wonder if this is why I can't seem to actually exercise, at all ) So needless to say, I start my new permanent job on Monday. Very excited and a little nervous, but that is good. I should be nervous. Otherwise I'd be dead.

So the Royal household took me out to eat.

My lovely Princess, who refused to show teeth at all, all night. She dressed up for the big occassion, she was the snappiest one of the bunch! Plus she ate more than me at our favorite buffet, hence the big ole bowl of ice cream!

Duchess was her usual rowdy self, probably leading other people to believe that we never actually take her out of the house. But she too warranted ice cream. I love her little na-na smile. As I got no ice cream.

Oh, there is a rare sighting (on film) of the very elusive but wonderful step-dad. Who mumbled out the side of his mouth, immediately following this....I hate pictures, do not take my picture. I refuse to listen though so I took multiple shots. I am a horrible step-daughter. But I clean the kitchen after he cooks so that helps, right?

And people, this is My Mommy. The one person who has been with me forever (duh, literally) and who always thinks I'm the BEST, no matter how much I embarrass everyone else around me, she is the one applauding me! I love her. And I love her nails....I can't keep my that long, I would take out an eye.

The Man was starving and simply wouldn't stay in his seat long enough for a picture. But he was quite full and happy on the way home. :)

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Admit One to the Crazy Train

Overheard in my house:
Princess: Whatcha doing?

Duchess: Mom made a train, she's mopping...wanta play?

Princess: I guess

Duchess: (raising her voice) One ticket for the crazy train

They then proceeded to sit and sing and dance their way through three stops.

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Opps, Sorry

This is my opps, sorry face. First off, no I'm not wearing makeup and second, why in the world I thought to share this, I have no idea. But here you go.

Yesterday sucked the big one. The big ole hairy one. However, I just have to remind myself that this too shall pass and I'm off to a new job very soon, next Monday as of fact! Yes!

I've got a head cold and yep, showed my butt again yesterday. Not literally this time though, just finally put someone in their place. Something I hate doing, something I go out of my way not to do...but I tell you what, you reach a point where you have to draw a line and stand your ground...no I won't do your work, no I won't do your projects, and no I won't get you a coffee...for goodness sake you're my equal and you need a reality check.

So a reality check was paid in full. I feel better however, I don't think they do...still. It's amazing how you can work a full day with someone and they not speak one word.

Refreshing!

Oh sorry for the semi-vulgar button, I do like it though. Does that make me a bad person?

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Extreme Measures for a long annoying day...

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Mercy!

Every time The Man and I sit back and reflect upon those little creatures we made, we are amazed! There will soon come a day when we will be in some serious sha-poo-poo.....

Here is the lovely Duchess, somber and sad at a birthday party, cause well it wasn't her idea to go. And all little girls love glitter and dressup but it wasn't her idea. So there!

Then her alter-attitude, Princess. The royal with the most outgoing attitude ever! Who can always find someone to talk to, and if not, well heck, she'll sing to herself. Loudily. Off-key.

That being said, I would kill for chocolate right now. The stinkers are driving me nuts. Princess is doing the drama queen roll at school and Duchess did the fake "I'm sick" call from the daycare at 2, leaving me to break all known speed limits to get there to pick her up. Where I find her telling the office lady that she should clean her office, it's nasty dirty.

Calgon, take me away.....far away....to a beach....with a frosted non-alcoholic drink.....

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Showing My Arse

Everyone should know by now that I have a tendency to show my arse. If you don't know this, stop reading now and go floss! Otherwise, this will not be a surprise that today this not so rare occasion came again.

The Man gave me a month of tanning for my birthday.

Let us see, it's been about four years since I've tanned which may explain my ghastly white appearance. But he got me a great tanning bed reservation that has very little actual UV rays so what the hey...

So after dropping Princess off at tumbling, I head off to the tanning salon. Mom is tagging along so once we get there, she quickly signs up for some rays too and off we go.

Now, first off, tanning salons have gotten way nicer since I last went. My booth was the size of a small car. It actually had a car stereo in the wall that piped music into the pillow on the sun bed. Sweet! Trace Adkins and I rocked through 8 minutes in the bed after I slathered on lotion and in I went.

Before I knew it, my time was up and I was dressed and ready to leave. Mom had just finished up as well and as we were scheduling our next appointment I became aware of a very intense itching sensation in my ......backside area.....

Trying to discreetly scratch myself didn't work and caught the salon girls' attention (love really tan teenagers with better eye makeup then me, by the by) so I owned up to my sensation that was quickly become a scorching hellfire.

Before I could blink, she grabs the back of my pants and peeks down....

"Yep, you've burnt your arse"

"Excuse me?" ---- very dignified, okay I tried to be dignified but really how can you be anything but a complete moron at this point....

"Suz, check it out, she's not burnt anywhere other than her arse."

"Could you stop saying that, there are other people here...and Suz stop looking at my arse"

I get home where my mom promptly tells The Man my situation....he drug me upstairs and made me use Alevera but not before he checked it out himself.

However, it felt much better.....

Till tonight when I was shopping for work pants and the sales girl grabs the back of my pants and tugs alittle while telling me that this size was too big as they stretch out over time. When she happened to glance down and comment....

Wow, you've burnt your arse....

I hadn't realized that so many people said that word, or looked down other people's pants!

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And you are?

Let me introduce you to my new, updated image...

I'll be the hot red-head kicking butt as a permanent employee
for an investment firm.

Yes, I got the offer. To be fair, the offer came in last night at 8 p.m. They called me at home, where in my pjs and cold cream, I accepted their generous offer for employment. I did wait until after the reference check before I announced it to everyone. (I love my former bosses, one told them that they couldn't hire me cause he needed me to move back to work for him) Yes, I was stalling.....cause then I had to tell work, even though as a temp I didn't have to, but I did.

I waited as long as I could but it went well. For some reason, noone was surprised and they all wished me the best. I guess they saw it before I did.

I am so thrilled. I didn't get thrilled until one of my fellow co-workers told me that he hoped it challenged me. When my eyebrows went up into my hairline....cause hello....was he being snarky? ( I have snarky ) But he went on to explain that it was obvious that I was being given work to keep me busy but nothing to challenge me.

I take that as a huge, huge compliment from him. Plus I realized it was true, the more work I asked for, the more mundane and routine the tasks seemed. I did love the HR work, I loved the interaction with the people, but it was not a challenge.

I left that conversation, very very excited!!!

Cause I've never worked in financials before, so I have a ton of challenges ahead of me. :)

Boy, the Lord really gives you want you need, even if it isn't what you want........

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Well well well

So I left work early, to go to my job interview...

However, I left my portfolio at home, so The Man brought it up to me and met me at a gas station nearby. What a stud.

Then while changing clothes in the restroom of said gas station between my work and the interview, two women were having relations in the stall next to me.

I have never changed clothes quicker in my life!!!!

I wish I were joking about this, I'm not.

So freshly dressed, with portfolio and confidence (ignoring the aching tummy and nerves) I went to my interview.

The office is impressive and screams of money, the same money that I don't have, lol.

The first interview went so well, we laughed, we talked and then she left me in there while she brought in two VP's. They double teamed an interview (felt quite like a ping pong) and then ....

Told me they would call me in the morning with their answer....oh and if we offer, would you take the position?

Let me see............... $6 more an hour than I'm making now, perm position, a famous former athelete on the board of directors (The Man says this alone is why I can't say no...as he wants to meet him.) and benefits out the wazoo........

Yeah, I'm waiting on a call....

If I don't get it, I'll post a sobbing entry tomorrow, then eat my way through the chocolate isle at my nearest Wal-Mart....is there still Easter candy on clearance?

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Oh My Goodness! What did I do?

This is how my day went....

Had a hiring session, did a ton of paperwork, had some birthday cake (not for me yet) and tried not to freak about the uneasy feeling regarding the job opportunity that I missed out on, by choice yes, but still missed.

Then you'll remember that I applied for a job out of spite, cause I'm petty like that y'all. It made me feel better so there! Na-nana-na-nah

So this is the call from The Man today....

"Urgh, you had a call"

"I had a what?" (I never get calls, no one calls me ever!)

"It woke me up"

"Who cares, what did they want? A paper subscription? A donation?"

"An interview"

"Holy Sh*t"

"Yeah, what is going on"

So I filled him in and when I told him the ridiculous amount I put down as the minimum salary I would accept in my cover letter, he choked, dropped the phone and had to go spit. Sexy, I know but true.

Soooo I have an interview tomorrow as soon as I get off work.

What have I done?????

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What the Hell....

Why oh why do I have to be so loyal?

This is a huge problem tonight. I had the opportunity to apply for a full time perm position in a different department at my work, where I am a freaking temp.

Did I?

No, I buckled to the pressure of....loyalty.

I don't want to burn bridges and my sups have said that within the next quarter several positions will be coming open. This is the carrot they dangled. Oh but do what is best for me. And they truly meant it, you could tell.

But I passed.

And it is all I can think about.

I want to at least try.

But I've gone back and forth over why I shouldn't and I have convinced myself that it is best for me to be loyal and wait.

I've prayed and I thought it was right to wait.

So why can't I stop thinking about it.......

And why did I get online and apply for another position somewhere else?

I have no willpower.

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Sunday Picture of the Day

Trying to think of a good title, but none came to mind except... Ahhhhh!

Gonna enjoy the family day, posting to commence tomorrow.

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On A May Day

We have been blessed to have lived in several different areas of the US of A throughout our tenure with the Navy. However, I've never experienced anything like where we live now. Texas is hotter than I imagine Hell to be, California is busy, crowded and laid back, Chicago is rushed, frantic paced and Louisiana has the moist thick air that makes four showers a day seem reasonable.

But here? Sunny bright days, the lake effect helps with the heat so its very pleasant, even chilly in the mornings, beautiful and crisp in the afternoons. But today... in MAY! Snow flurries.
At four this afternoon it looked like a cool February day. Misty weather and crisp air filled with snow flurries and showers.

It was amazing. I love it here. I have fallen in love with my new home. That is a good thing.

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Duchess Holds Forth...

Having The Man home everyday has been an amazing journey. We are all learning to live with each other all the time, rather than long visits. The best part of this has been the one on one time he gets with The Girls. It's enough to bring a tear to your eye, if you were actually sitting outside the door, around the corner easedropping, and then sneaking in for a picture.... like I was.

The Man went in to the royal chamber of Duchess to announce that the royal bedchamber had better get clean or it was all going out the royal window... However this is what I found...
Duchess is holding forth from daddy's lap, with her bible in her lap, announcing to her babies the way the cow will eat the cabbage in this royal house! First off, she began by cooking up some "food" in her handy kitchen while The Man held all the hungry babies. She kept warning him that they were gassy and that one had pooped, be careful there Daddy, he's a stinker. To give him credit, The Man was overheard volunteering to change said stinky diaper, to which Duchess announced that she'd just bathe him tomorrow. Dear Lord, she did not get those mothering skills from me!

Next came the dinner conversation, well they are having pizza. Except for him (him being the cute IKEA pink hippopotamus) cause he is fat and he needs something else.... The Man suggested a salad. After feeding, they proceeded to prepare the babies for bed, The Man still holding most of them. Duchess whips out her bible and announced that they must be read to so they will sleep. That parenting skill DID come from me thank you very much!

The Man suggested that they put the babies to sleep and go watch TV together. At this point, they both dumped the babies on the floor and ran me over outside the door to get to the livingroom.

Moment over.

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Cause We're Just Cool

Some people strive for perfection, some strive for success, others strive for love....we at the royal house, we're striving for grace. That and we're striving to just be cool. We got this baby!

The Man is the coolest ever. As you can tell from his snarky sense of humor. Not only that but he makes that headband look good! Not every man can accessorize like this, I credit living in a house full of estrogen.

Me, well I'm just cool cause .... I am. Here's me working my brand new purse from my best friend! Thanks girl, you spoil me and I'm not sure I'm worth it but lets pretend I am. :) Besides how cool is it that I can totally ignore the toys and clothes on the floor.

That is coolness.... life is about living.... toys, clutter and accessories...

Bring it on!

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Two by Two

Two is a good number, of kids. More than two, awesome...your a better woman than I am! However, we really thought for the longest that Princess would be the only royal child in our home. Until the Good Lord blessed us with Duchess.

Now my children have a best friend, their sister. Plus when something is broken, its more fun trying to figure out who did it, takes the boring out of disciplining your children, really.


There is nothing quite a sweet as that rare moment of happy joy that is two siblings sharing a moment not filled with hair pulling (what is it with girls and hair pulling?), name calling, tattling and property theft. It's just delicious.... In fact some of my very closest friends let me adore their children from afar, I've noticed that they too have seen that rare sight.... when their kids are buddies, sharers of a secret or just being freaking cute.

SuperMan and SpiderMan here are another such case. What adorable boys. I swear their mom keeps them so far away so I won't eat their cheeks. Although I bet she'd happily drop them off for a week at a girl's spa in Bermuda....don't get any ideas missy!

To further point out this rare occurance in nature, here are two sets of such sibblings. Mine in the middle and my dear friends on the outsides. These children can't be alone in a house for five minutes without an ambulance being called. Usually for one of the older children....the burnette in green and the boy are just dangerous people....the older two don't stand a chance! Yet here they are, happily sharing space with smiles, no pinching, biting, yelling or kicking.

The Lord still works miracles people!

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Child Labor Laws-- Pish!

There are reasons that people procreate. It's fun getting there, once there you get a cutey little patootie that looks like you. Plus when they get bigger, they can do chores. That rocks.

There is nothing like a big ole dirty house with lots of people tromping through it to make a nasty mess. However daunting the task, I never fear to pull out the secret weapon....my kids.
Duchess has a look of horror as she views the extent of the work that is to be done. See Mimi and Pepaw need their truck unloaded, as all their things have finally arrived, this past Saturday! So now the downstairs apartment is lovely and full of their things. The hard part was getting it down there. Since their place is a walk out we figured we may as well carry it down the hill beside the house and walk it all in through the back door. Simple, right?

So what do you do when all the adults are exhausted from moving the furniture and yet many more boxes are staring at you from the arse end of a moving van? Oh children.......

Behold.....I present to you....the reason we procreate....

One red wagon, one strapping young girl straight from tumbling class, lots of energy, and a million boxes. Yep, we drank iced tea on the porch and watched as the show went on without us.

After they were done, we gave them bread and water and a pat on the head....good children.

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